My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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