New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize