Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
