So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
