I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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