i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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