Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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