Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize