Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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