Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
