sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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