Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
