Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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