i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Found the puke drawer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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