I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I understand Curling. That high.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
