So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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