haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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