I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
