i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
