Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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