i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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