Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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