Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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