We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
