3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
