Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
