you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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