i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
