I want to stick my p in your. b.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
