I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
