i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we're so committed to being not committed
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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