just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
