if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
