I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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