I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
splinters make it hard to masturbate
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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