I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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