shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
