I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
