My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
