Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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