No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
