i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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