She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
