Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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