everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
