i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
