I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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