got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
