Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
