I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
