Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
