Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
